Yesteryear

Old Email Silliness

Going through some old emails as I clear out my Hotmail account. MSN constant allowances of junk mailing and their regular emails containing the message that I have gone beyond my limit, [I wouldn't have gone over it if you didn't allow junk mail] that I am possibly not going to get all the email sent to me [Ha! It would seem that I only get junk mail on that account anyways so who cares!?!], and should probably invest in a larger sized email box have wrung their toll. I am moving over to a free agent that doesn't sell my info. Does that even exist?

The above however is not the crux of this post; I am not in a venting mood though Hotmail does merit a long ranting post bitching about their services. This post is more about a loss of silliness.

Going through some of the old emails traded with dear friends over the years I have realized that along the way I have lost my ability to be silly, open and free. I am no longer able to write of the cuff, expressing myself without worrying of someone will find me odd, crazed or delusional. As the years have marched on I find that I have also become less trusting, always fearing that someone will not like me or find a way to hurt me. I am no longer capable of just sitting with friends and being totally open. I have learnt to hide behind a mask, walls pulled up tight so that no one can reach in and shatter my fragile self.

I miss the old me. I miss that person who was free, capable of being silly without worry, willing to expose herself to new experiences and new people. The only person who has seen me at my silliest in a long while is Hugin. For him the walls don't exist, but I need to find a way of getting her back into the public eye. I just don't know how to do it. I don't know how to pull down the walls; I have no clues on how to be open again. Too many things in the past have left their scars and it seems on occasion that I am incapable of moving past them. But there must be away to do it. Maybe writing this post is a start, though it in itself is something I am afraid do to, debating on and of if I should post it at all. [soft worried sigh] But, here it is in the open a beginning of sorts.